California Dreaming

Tags

Blog, California, Catfish, Lifestyle, Online Dating, Personal, San Francisco, Spring Break, Travel, Vacation

I’m at a stage in my life right now, where I feel compelled to answer whenever opportunity comes knocking. Whether it’s a job offer, an invitation for a night out, or a chance to travel, I try my best to always respond with “YES! Sign me up.” Sometimes it works out for me, other times, not so much.

Recently, I was offered a plane ticket to San Francisco, California which I accepted. What could be better than escaping Texas temporarily for a Spring Break trip? The answer is NOTHING, especially since the main element of adventure I was most excited for was meeting a guy I started talking to through Okcupid… Don’t judge me.

When I began boarding the plane, it was impossible to stop my mind from racing. What was going to happen once I finally arrived? Was he going to look the same in person, would he show me his city, could I get murdered and tossed into the ocean? There were just so many possibilities!

I am happy to report I’m still alive, and he wasn’t catfishing me. It was relaxing and refreshing to spend time with someone that didn’t expect anything from me, and just let me be myself. Seeing the Full House house and eating a brownie sundae at Ghirardelli Square were definitely fun things I won’t soon forget.

 

The highlight of my two days in SF though was simply being somewhere completely different and experiencing that life has a lot to offer. When you’re seemingly trapped in a small town, spending all of your time doing school assignments and working a retail job, it’s all too easy to forget there’s a whole world out there waiting to be conquered.

I’m grateful to him for allowing me the opportunity, and I’m proud of myself for going for it despite my fears. To me, it was more than just a vacation or a rendezvous. It was a lesson to live life to the fullest, even though it’s scary sometimes. Amazing things can happen for you if you let them. I am keeping my heart and mind open, because adventure awaits!

Self Discovery

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Anorexia, Blog, Break Up, Divorce, Eating Disorder, Lifestyle, Personal, Self Discovery

It’s crazy that after years of knowing someone and living with them, there can still be a ton of things that you’re completely in the dark about. What’s even crazier is that there are probably things you don’t know about yourself either. The last six months have been a huge period of discovery for me.

The turning point was when I had to deal with the loss of my sweet fur baby, Max. Once he was gone, it became extremely obvious that I relied on him, and needed him a lot more than he needed me. Any time I was upset or anxious, he was always there to comfort me. Without him, I had to overcome sadness and anxiety all on my own. That’s how I found my inner strength. I had it in me all along, and now I know how to utilize it.

After I found my long lost inner strength, everything else seemed to fall into place. A few years ago, I was enrolled in college but it did not go well to say the least. I never gave it another shot because I had a negative influence constantly telling me I wasn’t smart enough or capable. With the voice of negativity permanently muted, I decided to bite the bullet and register for a few basic online classes. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “What if he was right? What if I can’t do this and I fail?” Then I scored 100% on my first assignment. All doubts disappeared, because apparently I’m a lot more capable and smart than I thought.

When my newfound capability surfaced, all the doors that I previously thought were closed, suddenly swung wide open! Behind door #1 was a shiny new car I felt comfortable driving without a constant fear of wrecking. I am able to make the car payment with my second amazing opportunity – a job as a stylist at Michael Kors. Fashion and sales have always been my passion, so now I feel closer to my dreams that originally appeared to be unachievable.

Lastly, and most importantly, I learned that I am in control of my own life. As an 18 year old newly married girl, living across the country away from everyone I knew, with no transportation or income, I inadvertently handed over the reigns to someone else who did a terrible job of steering. It didn’t bother me at first, because I was too young to fully see what was happening. Before I knew it, Anorexia took hold of me hard. My desire to have an ounce of control threw me into the depths of a life threatening disorder. If I decided to eat, or not, it was my choice. Disturbingly, I was addicted to the feeling of hunger. If I chose not to act on it, it seemed like I was making a huge accomplishment. It was almost a sick kind of game to see how much more weight I could lose. The way Anorexia works though is that it’s impossible to win the game. If you gain a pound, don’t lose enough weight within your deadline, or find fat anywhere on your body, you have lost. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into not playing; it’s my choice.

For the first time in a long time, I can truthfully say that I’m proud of myself. I’m still a work in progress, but isn’t everyone?

Goin’ Through The Big D And Don’t Mean Dallas Pt 2

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Blog, Blogger, Breakup, Divorce, Lifestyle, Love, Marriage, Personal, Self Discovery, separated

When two people are truly in love, marriage is the most beautiful thing this world has to offer. I was lucky enough to experience it for a brief moment. Over time, there was a gradual shift until slowly everything started to turn horribly ugly. Now that the love is gone, I’m left in the middle of a hideous mess. This is divorce.

Nothing in my life has ever been conventional or simple. My marriage was no exception. I didn’t get to have the typical fairytale wedding that every girl dreams of. I got married in a plain white dress off the clearance rack while I rocked wet, frizzy hair. The whole experience was a complete disaster. We got lost on the way to the court house, it was pouring down rain, and we only had a few witnesses whom I barely knew. Afterwards, we had a less than fancy dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings and went on a thrilling shopping trip to Walmart. We had a super romantic night playing Candy Land and watching Step Brothers on the hotel TV. This pretty much set the tone for the entire relationship. The day my husband and I separated, we both walked away with a mugshot. We could never do anything the normal way.

I don’t blame him or myself for any of the events that unfolded that day. Our relationship was far from perfect and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see that the end was rapidly approaching. It all happened like an earthquake. We could feel it rumbling underneath our feet until our foundation split in two, and we were left standing on opposite sides.

In the days that followed, I was practically comatose. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I didn’t shower or even change my clothes for longer than I care to admit. Lucas was living in the barracks and I was left alone in the large empty house haunted by our memories. I had one close friend in North Carolina that I met on the dance floor at a local bar and she was my first and only call. Sarah came right over, brought me an energy drink, picked me up off the floor that I had been glued to, and compiled a very detailed To-Do list. I was reluctant to get anything done at first because I felt traumatized, but she didn’t put up with my shit for five seconds. Sarah was like a petite, Christian music listening slave driver. I will forever be grateful to her for crashing my pity party.

Once I became a functioning human being again, I came up with the brilliant idea to have a 14 hour garage sale on a Sunday. I sat in my lawn chair in the garage equipped with my two page long check list of things to sell, just hoping for the best. Meanwhile, Sarah packed everything in the entire house. The news of my upcoming move spread like wildfire, and people started pouring in to my sale. Every single girl I had ever sold to in the past, came by to show support. Some of them bought stuff, but mostly they just donated to my moving fund without expecting anything in return. Emotion struck me like lightening with every single hug I received, tear that was shed, and goodbye that was uttered.

The road back to Texas stretched endlessly, and was lined with more pine trees than I ever wanted to see. I spent three terribly long days in a bumpy moving truck with a grouchy old man (my dad), and a hyper puppy. My driver refused to turn on the radio, so we rode in deafening silence and I was left to sit there and contemplate recent events. Every mile that we drove weighed down on me until I felt like I was being crushed by every negative thing I’d ever experienced. Frantically, I made several phone calls to my therapist but was never able to reach him. My survival instincts started to kick in sometime around day two, but to this day I’m still not really sure how I managed to get through the trip from hell.

Now, Maximus and I are safe and sound at my parents’ house. The transition hasn’t been easy to say the least. We are resilient though, because we have to be. Through all of this, I’ve learned that there are two different types of people in this world… People that just let things happen TO them, and people who MAKE things happen. Looking forward, I’m choosing to be the latter.

Goin’ Through The Big D And Don’t Mean Dallas Pt 1

Tags

Alone, Blog, Breakup, Divorce, Lifestyle, Love, Marriage, Personal, Self Discovery, Single

My marriage is officially over. My life has been turned upside down. I thought I would have a lifetime with the man I love, but it turned out that two years was enough for him. I completely gave myself over to him, body and soul. I gave him everything I had. Now I am empty, I have nothing.

Being alone has made me realize that I don’t even know myself anymore. I got so caught up in being “Lucas’s Wife” that Dana is totally lost. Where do I go from here? How am I ever going to get past this?

I feel like I’m just a shell of who I once was. Everyone expects me to just bounce back and be the same outgoing girl I was when I left Texas. I can’t be that person anymore. I’m too broken. My life used to be full of crazy adventures, but those are all just distant memories.

Currently, I’m seeing the world through blurry tear filled eyes. It’s terrifying. I have to get a job, a car, new friends… I have to get a life. Hopefully the world won’t eat me alive, because now I’m braving it all on my own.

OOTD: Kimono W/ Distressed High Waist Shorts

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Bargain, Blog, Blogger, Clothes, Distressed Shorts, Fashion, High Waisted, Kimono, Lifestyle, OOTD, Personal, Summer, Tilly's

Kimonos are a must have for summer. The light weight material and short sleeves make them perfect for layering in warm weather. If you have a simple little dress or a plain tank, just throw on a kimono and you’re good to go! It’s the easiest way to dress up any outfit.

I paired this kimono with a basic white tank top and super distressed high waist shorts (Another must have!). All three items were on clearance at Tilly’s. Now is the perfect time to buy summer clothes because stores are getting ready for fall and back to school season.

Any time I see a kimono on clearance, I buy it. I don’t care how many I have, it will never be enough. I may have what some people (my husband) call “a shopping addiction”, but I’m not concerned. The more clothes I have, the happier I am. What’s wrong with that? If your closet isn’t caving in, then there is always room for more clothes!